So today is one of the days where she is argumentative, but also very whoa is me. She yells at me and tells me "you are not my mother and you have no right to do the things you are doing".. Her biggest issue is that I have taken her cigarettes away, which is to some degree true. I have taken them out of her immediate possession, but allow her to smoke anytime she asks. I just take her outside let her get one from her pack, light it and then I return inside to put them away. Leaving her alone to smoke. I wait until I think she is about done then I reappear to have her put out the butt out in a tray of water I keep on the porch for that purpose. Believe me it's not something I want to do. I would love to prevent her from ever smoking again, because it has caused nothing but problems. It messes with her health, is a safety hazard, and also is just gross. I know however that it's an addiction and I am not a monster who wants to make her miserable. Her smoking is one of the main causes to her vein occlusion that is steadily trying to blind her. We go every four weeks and get an injection in her eye to slow down the build up of pressure caused by the restricted veins feeding her cornea. She is told by the Dr. every time we go that she needs to quit smoking. That her continuing to smoke prohibits this problem ever being truly fixed. She has been seeing this Dr. and getting these injections every four to six weeks for two and a half years. At the astronomical cost of $1,500 and change each visit. Fortunately her insurance covers most of it, but DAMN. If a Dr. told me that drinking Diet Coke was causing me to go blind and that I was going to have to have an injection IN MY EYE every month to stop it, you can beat your sweet ass I would have one more large McDonald's Diet Coke and I would be done with them. 

So beyond me selfishly not wanting to die or lose my family (both human and furry) in a house fire I would also like for her not to go blind. Since I am a hateful asshole who steals all her money my opinion on the matter doesn't count. 

She has also misplaced her purse. I know it's in the house somewhere, because the other day when she was saying she was just going to go and get her cigarettes on her own I put it up in a cabinet when I had to leave to pick up Megan from school. I didn't want her trying to get in the car or going to the neighbors with money to get cigarettes. When I got home I put it back on the counter where it was originally. ( I also double checked the cabinet to make sure I didn't have a brain lapse and only think I put it back on the counter) I figure since she is stuck on me stealing from her she has hidden it somewhere in the house in an attempt to keep me from getting her money and has forgotten her secret hiding place. I looked in some of the places she normally sticks things and didn't find it. She's had me go look in my car about 20 times and call the Dollar Tree to ask if they have it. We went there on Monday. I am not too worried about it's location, because I know it's here somewhere and she may eventually remember where she hid it, or I will come across it.

So after another round of searching the car and a smoke break she sits down in the kitchen chair and we go for another fun round of  I am not her keeper and that I am going to give her her cigarettes back. She says "it's my house and I will do whatever the hell I please in my house". I told her "no it's our house because we all live here together". Her response "the hell it is". Then she informs me that she "has worked her whole life to pay for this house". (sidebar that's not true she was given the house free and clear by my grandparents) "I have no right to live here and take over her house like I have". She says "my shit is everywhere she looks and all of her stuff has been thrown away". We did move some of her things to the storage building when we moved in because we had to have room for our beds and things. She then brings up that she loaned me $500 a few years ago because John was on a much deserved motorcycle trip with his buddies and had an unexpected flat on the road. He needed the money quickly and I didn't have that much just laying around so I asked her if I could borrow it so he could get back on the road. I paid her back the next week when he got home. So after she brings that up and I remind her that I paid her back and she says "so there". ??? She then moves on to telling me to stop using her washer for my things. I said I don't wash my things in your washer, I have my own washer, I am washing your things, currently your bed clothes. She says I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THAT!!! yet before I started washing her bed linens and fixing her bed she was sleeping on the bare pee soaked mattress with no pillow cases, covered by a dirty old also pee soaked comforter. With the very next breath she says there's dog piss in the floor you need to clean up. 

I try to remember that trying to convince her she is wrong or misremebering things is an exercise in futility on my part. That she is never going to understand or remember when I "win" the argument. I also try and remember that when she hurts my feelings or makes me upset that leaving her to her own devices for a while to "show her what all I do for her" is also fucking pointless because she is never going to see, remember, understand, or appreciate any of it. I think beyond the hurt feelings, no sleep, and general loads of shit what really breaks me down is knowing that none of it matters to her and nothing I do will ever be appreciated. That I have given up a lot ( a job, my time, my sleep, my home, and my sanity) to take care of someone, not because I love them or they love or ever truly loved me, but because no one else would.